Saturday Fourth Week of Lent
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1 Sam. 16:1, 6-7, 10-13, Psalm 23:1-6, Eph. 5:8-14, John 9:1-41
There are moments in life where we find ourselves in a place of darkness, loneliness, or helplessness. One of the toughest parts of these desolate times can be wondering why. There was a time late in my youth and as a younger man when I was bound by the chains of lust. By college this had grown into an addiction, but then, through the miracle of intercessory prayer, I found myself desiring to convert to Catholicism. It was after this commitment and beginning RCIA, that I came to understand I had the moral obligation to change. While frequent visits to a good confessor (shout out Fr. David!) were a big help, the process of healing was long and arduous. I found myself a Catholic, sincere in my faith, and not understanding why God would let this be so difficult when I genuinely wanted to be faithful to him. Unable to see a purpose in my helplessness, I experienced feelings of despair and shame and carried a strong sense that this just was not fair.
“’Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents’…’Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him.’”
Of course, by no means was I alone. My struggle was part of a silent epidemic that had been growing since the advent of internet and mobile devices which brought all the worst of humanity to dwell in our hip pocket. This new drug has radically disordered how we treat ourselves and others. If you are unfamiliar with the extent and pervasiveness of the problem, it is sufficient to say here that more than half of the people identifying as Christian are regular users of pornography and the average age for first exposure occurs around 11 years old. Studies continue to confirm the destructive effects of pornography use on people, relationships, and society. Yet the world seems to operate under a blindness that sees the bondage of sin as some form of freedom that is anything but. Society insists that it can “see” the truth of the matter.
“Jesus said to them, ‘If you were blind, you would have no sin; but now you are saying, ‘We see,’ so your sin remains.’”
There were many reasons for the blindness that kept me a slave to the darkness. My conversion to Catholicism was pivotal in putting me on a path to the light. Still, I sometimes find myself reflecting on the struggle. Fall after fall, one firm resolution after another crumbling down. Some of you deeply know that feeling of being trapped in the darkness. Looking back, I can see that it was in keeping my struggle to myself that kept me where I was. Face to face confession was crucial, but still had an element of anonymity to it.
“…but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light.”
Praise God for the light in my life. I consider myself fortunate now to work with the high school youth of our parish in our Confirmation II class. One of the key concepts I attempt to convey to them (taken from St. John Paul II and his Theology of the Body) is that to be made in the image and likeness of God is to be made for communion with God (who as trinity is a communion of love himself) and others. It’s an interesting idea that deserves more conversation and meditation, but we’ll save that for another time!
Why am I suddenly rambling on about the youth, the trinity, and communion? I mentioned above many reasons for my blindness. One of them is that at an unfortunately early age, James Bond became my hero. While he does have plenty of admirable, manly qualities, he ironically is a man with no “bond” to anyone. A lone wolf who needs no one with an inclination to use everyone as he deems necessary. Like I did, so many wounded, uninitiated, masculine hearts flock to this image of a man, but are drinking from a well that does not quench. In my life I have found that while retreating alone into the wilderness has its place, God has, in some fashion, used others in my life to bring a healing light to the darkness. And although the darkness and trial can be difficult, it has been true for me that even the healing sometimes feels like a stranger rubbed spit-mud on my blind eyes and told me to go find a specific pool to wash in. Hard to understand, difficult to do, uncomfortable, but worth the restoration of sight.
God has shown me that serious difficulties need to be brought out of the darkness and into the light of Christian community. And while I think that approach applies to many in different places of struggle, I want to close with a plea. If you are someone trapped in serious sins of impurity, know that there is hope and that Christ has already won the victory. Don’t let the evil one convince you to stay isolated in shame. Holy Family is here for you, and God willing, we will bear our brothers and sisters up in this communion we share as the one body of Christ. If that’s an invitation you can accept, please contact Fr. Adam at 325-692-1820 or [email protected] and let him know you are ready to be part of a community of healing.
“You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth.”
Matthew Dane is a husband to Whitney, and proud father of Benjamin, Joseph, Marybeth, and Luke. He's been a Holy Family parishioner for eight years, and enjoys being an RE teacher and serving on the parish council.
