Joel 2:12-18, Psalm 51, 2 Corinthians 5:20-6:2, Matthew 6:1-6,16-18

“Return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning.” Those words from God in Joel 2:12 on Ash Wednesday just won’t leave me. They roll around in my heart and bounce around in my brain. And when they land, it isn’t the phrase, “return to me” that absorbs my thoughts. I wish it was, because that part I like. That part makes me feel happy and excited. I want to run to Jesus and get a big hug and hear Him tell me that I am beautiful and that He loves me so much. 

No, what falls in my lap are the words, “with fasting, and weeping, and mourning.” That doesn’t sound like fun. That doesn’t sound like a warm hug from Jesus. But, then I remind myself that this is Lent and it’s about the sacrifice. It’s about letting go of those things that keep me from seeing God and being in a deep relationship with Him. That suffering makes me strong. And, let’s be real, sacrificing and fasting are often accompanied by weeping and mourning, sometimes only inside my head, but more often than not, loudly and frequently for all to hear. 

But, I think the reason those words really hit home right now, is because I just walked through that time where God was calling me back to him completely and it truly did have me weeping and mourning. He was asking me to fast from something I didn’t even realize had become a god. 

I have been active in church for most of my adult life. I have sung in the choir, taught religious education to children, lead Bible studies, directed retreats, and many such things for over 30 years. I have been blessed to serve others for Him. I admit though, sometimes all that activity can make me feel like I’m doing well. That I got this whole Catholic thing down and Jesus and I are tight. I don’t need to “return” because I’m already there. 

But a few months ago, I hit a wall and the idol of “busyness” fell off the throne and I saw that all the right motions don’t necessarily make for a deep relationship and the one who loves me more than anything and came to fight for me, wanted my whole heart to be free. I’m here to say that getting to that freedom was a bit painful. Walking through the weeping and mourning hurt. Letting go of who I thought I was and realizing that there was still a fragile little girl inside me that needed to hear that she didn’t have to be perfect and that He didn’t need me to constantly be doing things for Him, and just wanted me to just “be” with Him was quite humbling. 

But… oh so freeing! It allowed me to face some things that needed be healed from my past. To take ownership of my pride and let go of my need to be liked and appreciated and see that these desires were covering up my insecurity and need to control what I couldn’t. There was a lot of weeping. There was mourning over what was lost and what needed to be released. And yet, God revealed to me that it was much easier to return to him without all my extra baggage. I could run faster. I could wrap my arms around Him because I wasn’t carrying my “to do list” of accomplishments to show Him how much I loved Him. I could just be me, that little girl who was His child, and He wanted to be with me. 

Now, I feel less afraid to enter this Lent and I want you to come with me. I want to tell you that it is okay to be afraid to return to Him with fasting, weeping, and mourning, because the fasting is actually freedom, the weeping is actually cleansing, and the mourning opens you up to the joy of a new relationship with Him. It feels amazing to not only be held by Jesus, but to have arms free to hold Him in return.

Barbara Moore is a wife, mom of 5, and “Bella” to her first grandchild. Lent is one of her favorite times of the year. She is thrilled with her new job as Communications Coordinator for Holy Family, because she loves sharing the Catholic faith with others through teaching, writing, or just over a cup of coffee.